Wow I have had a really bad stream of bad luck latly... So here are SOME of the bad things.
Thurs/Fri: okay first, Thursday, broke my computer accidental.... Which means I can't do digital art on my computer for a little while.... Ugh... To be honest, I wasn't worried about drawing digitally because it would help me with my traditional art. What I was worried about was my dad... When I got out of class I refused to go home... Though Jack C supported me... I think he was the only one who noticed something was up that day. I have realised that Jack F and Lydia are getting into a closer friendship than what I have with Lydia... Then eve is hanging out with Shaye and Miro... So I felt kind of ignored... I still do. I'll get to that point soon. So anyway. I had a plan to run away and not return. I had enough of life. Felt like I was on some sort of short leash... The world pulling on my neck. I was ready. But Jack C stopped me.
I hanged out with him that day. Apart from in class because I wanted him to spend time with his best mates Anurin and the other 2 Jacks... (This whole Jack thing must be getting annoying to you am I right?) I didn't want him to always be there for me that day. Sometimes I just need to be alone to cure myself. But if it's Jack C or Lydia helping me, I can't refuse their advice and help... Those two mean the world to me along with a bunch of friends on DA. Jack C had been comforting me that day. He's the only one who I feel comfortable talking to. Because... I have no problems against him... And I might like him a bit... He's very supportive and will always smile even if he's annoyed at me. On the other hand you have Jack F... Who doesn't give a fuck about you. Probably hates me because I always strangle him... I do that with everyone... I prefer to hug from behind than from the front... I honestly have no idea why. So sometimes I might not notice my own strength and strangle them... Yeah. Anyway I was walking down to the car from school with Jack C as normal... The school bus nearly hit me because the road is so close to the foot path and I don't think bus drivers follow road rules... That's what I've noticed anyway. Kinda wish the bus would have hit me. I think the only thing that made me happy that day was Jack C... Honestly I think the thing I look forward to the most everyday is his hugs and his comfort... Everything else scares me... I hate school. I went home and played my guitar for a bit then dad arrived home... Let's just say it wasn't a very pleasant talk... Had art classes that night and again... No friends... I try my hardest to fit in with everyone... But they are all so much better than me and I am the only anthro and sonic artist in the class... So I don't fit in... The manga kids are amazing... This girl I really want to get to know is in that group and she loves deathnote. Though, everytime I try to start conversation there is silence all of the sudden... Even if I compliment her. The manga kids seem to be... Protective? I don't know they all seem to block anyone from entering their friendship circle.
-sigh- guess I am alone forever.
On Friday... Had to wake up early due to band. I hate waking up... HATE IT. I hate band because Connor is there... He plays violin... I play viola... He's terrible at violin. But he doesn't
Leave me alone! What makes him think we're still friends!? He only teases me, about my skin, the shape of my body, my depression, my friends, my drawings, my music, you name it. He still teases me. Ugh he doesn't go away! He's like a fly or something! Maths homework due that day not to mention French the day before. The math teaches took my phone away from me when I wasn't even using it! Besides I NEEDED IT! My mum was in hospital that day due to her MS. I had to stay in touch with her. I had to... Both French and math teachers gave me a new load of homework which was due tomorrow and friday. Also has to do visual arts homework. Yaaaaaaaay more homework! So had to get all done before tomorrow... I CANT DO IT! I've been spending ALL of my time attempting my visual arts homework... I failed...
Saturday: watched a movie about people commuting suicide. WELL let's just say I have got a few ideas. That I will have to "test" sometime. The movie was called "the happening" and it was really interesting. So much gore... Loved it. So much death, guns, knives and razors... So yep... I have a few ideas in mind for if I ever decide it's time.
Later that night I sat under the stars with my mum and played guitar and viola. It was really nice. We went down to the beach and watched the tide come in. The beach was beautiful at night... Kinda miss it already... I also got to finish that picture for my good friend Webdisaster. Which took up ALOT of homework time. I don't give a shit about if I hadn't done homework... Okay, I guess I care a little just... I care about my friends more. They are my first priority... I pretty much love them more than my family... Well that's what it feels like... I don't see my dad much anymore. And everytime I do see him I feel like it's to only get in trouble, Emily is a popular kid... Has no respect for me whatsoever and has a bitchy tone which usually controls me... Feels like that anyway... When ever she says she doesn't want to do dishes she glares over at me and I usually insist on doing them... I don't I it for money, nor the attention. I do it out of love... But I don't even know if she cares about me.
Sunday: not much happened. Me and mum left to go home and I got payed extra for helping mum out on the weekend which Emily got bitchy about so I let dad keep the money and just locked myself in my room for the rest of the day. Didn't come out at all.
Monday: learnt something. You can't trust anybody. I am pretty sure most of you read the journal but I'll let you know anyway. Met this guy earlier this year. We had been talking for a while... Considered him as a friend until skype... Fuck you Skype seriously. Geez the only reason I have Skype is to stay in touch with my friends on DA or anyone who wants to get to know me better. Or just to roleplay. Not for perverts to Skype call me and do shit to me. Not for people to "compliment" me based on my body when everyone else at school record I am fat just basing it on how muscly and mature I am... My body developed early okay people? So I might look 16 or 18 but I am only 13. So you guys call me fat. Well guys I got news for you. Just because someone is overweight it doesn't mean they are unhealthy. It doesn't. I know. Connor is as thin as a stick and eats junk food all the time, he doesn't stop eating and he spends ALL of his spare time sitting on his computer skyping people... But he his still thin! Or you could be someone like me, who is very muscular and had a much more mature body. I honestly don't do much exercise myself. But I don't care. -laughs- because guess what? I can now play 6 different instruments and do many different types of art! Ha! Connor only knows how to play Jurassic park or whatever the hell it is on keyboard and is vey crap at violin!
So don't judge someone on how they look okay!? Ahem, as I was saying men like him should be be in jail. Maybe even dead. Because that was disgusting the way he treated me. Hehe at least if hell and heaven exist he will go to hell.
Tuesday: visual arts assignment due. I couldn't do my assignment because not matter how many times I tried to do the two point perspective I failed! It's not my style of art... Guess what now? We're doing painting next.... WHAT IS WITH THE SHIT PROJECTS??????? My gawd. So I might get bad grades, which will the. Concern my parents who will kill me for getting bad grades.... Ugh. I can't win! Stop dumping homework on me! I can't keep up! So I was pretty much stressed all day. Heh but it was fun teasing Jack C in class. I was playing with his hair. It was adorable and funny the way he reacted. He hates it when people play with his hair or gets tickled but honestly, I think he secretly likes it when people do that to him.
Wednesday: today! Had a bunch of stuff to finish! Couldn't finish it due to an anxiety attack I had. I had to try do 4 homework tasks tonight... Only completed 1... I am busted tomorrow... I am so dead! Ugh keep it together Maddy. Today wasn't so bad today... Though I was a bit moody due to... Yeah reasons. So the first two periods I was ignoring everybody. Focusing on work... First period I turned up late to class. Surprise, no seats next to any of my friends. Had all my friends come up to me
"Are you okay Maddy?" Duh, no! Guys you should know what I am like when I am alone with no friends, quiet, rude, impatient and moody. I hate being alone. I am scared of being alone. I got to hang out with Jack C at lunch break though. We had a camp meeting. He was telling me about how he wasn't planning on going. Told him I wish I couldn't go. Because of my body and how I can't stand skinny people in bikinis because I get jealous. He was pretty supportive then too. He's always there for me. To hear my problems and he tries to find a way to help me. I think that's why I like him... Maybe.
Emily got her tuba today... It was hilarious watching her try to Cary the case. The three jacks, Anurin and this girl I don't knows name were walking we were talking about how small the clarinet case is... Then Emily shouted at us to help her with her tuba... Which is... Massive I couldn't carry it for more than a minute so Jack C ended up carrying it. It was pretty funny. Anyways have a good night or whatever time it is wherever you are.